So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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