I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
