I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
As shirtless as possible
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
