you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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