You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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