I got chris browned last night
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
