but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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