you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
