My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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