yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
