i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
