I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
