i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
