Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
