i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
