yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
wow bdsm is so cute
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
