Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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