Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
