Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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