You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
barbara walters just said penis...
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
