You really coming over, don't trick.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
