I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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