I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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