What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
