Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I bet he comes in French.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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