I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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