No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Randomize
