he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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