Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
