I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
