i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i wish my penis had a tongue
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
