Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
