Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
