im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
We named our party play list daddy issues
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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