We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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