he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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