If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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