Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
did i just pee glitter
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
