So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
