Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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