1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
