Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
