2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
