As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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