Nicole vs. Life
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
