I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
