Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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