you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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