I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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