I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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